Here's how I am doing. I'm getting through each day concentrating on my classes and trying to attack the list of stuff to do accomplishing at least one thing each day. I still have not located his credit card case with his credit cards. It is here somewhere in all the piles and boxes of stuff. I thoroughly searched all of his coats without finding them. Then I donated the coats. I open his closet but cannot bear to hold his clothing, so that avenue of searching is not yet available. He saved the mask from his radiation that is on top of his closet shelf. It is his dear face and I burst into tears just thinking of it, much less seeing it.
And yes, I am drinking a lot of water to stay hydrated. Friends and family visit and call. There is really nothing new. I am eating, sleeping and constantly hearing sounds that make me think for a second or two that David is coming home, coming into the room yet I know that he will never come home again. It sounds lame but we were always really happy to see each other when one of us came home to the other one.
I have a huge list of home repairs that were waiting for spring and am looking for someone new. Our former handyman is less and less available. So if you are in Fredericksburg what you can do is give me the name of your favorite handyman. David kept the toilets going, the garage door adjusted, the carpets spot cleaned and had fresh coffee for me every morning. So, yes making coffee causes me to sob and cry. I am determined not to buy new stuff until several months pass so that it is not a knee jerk reaction. It is entirely possible that making coffee will be a cherished task reminding me of how thoughtful David was to make coffee for me when he was unable to drink it himself.
What doesn't kill me makes me stronger, over and over again I have experienced this. I'm looking forward to his Memorial Mass on May 10 and then celebrating Nathaniel's birthday. Loosing David will not kill me so I assume that eventually I will be stronger.
